Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dreaming Like A Child

As a child I loved sports, popcorn and my dog...  I wrote poems about balloons and protested the war...  I was unafraid of the words of other, they didn't sting and hurt the way they do now. 

As a child I had big dreams, I was going to be an award winning writer, I was going to play on the US National Soccer team and travel the world, now I hardly let others read my words, I don't play soccer and I can't afford a plane ticket to Chicago... 

As a child I dreamed big, there was nothing you could of said that would make me doubt the words I said.  I was confident, I shined, now I often just slide on by, don't really want too attention, but I want to be heard.... 

Now that I find myself at a crossroad of "you can stay here or you dream again".  I chose to dream again, like when I was a child, big and bold and unafraid...  I'm ready to make those dreams a reality, to let my words be read and demand the attention I need and deserve.  I am ready to shine...

Now I may not play on the National team and I'm not going to get a dog, but I can still travel the world and write about balloons and anything else that is held in my heart...

I am ready and I am not afraid....

Never Stop Dreaming, So Much Beauty, Strength, Positivity and Good Things Reside There!!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Splotches and Blotches

July 2, 2011 11am

Im ready to get on the road with Karats for yet another fun "filler" expedition.
She happened to be in a wedding and needed a date, (we both step in for our male counterparts when needed)
I get to her house made up and excited while she keeps chanting, "Man I hate weddings"
She accepted the position to serve as a bridesmaid in a college friends ceremony.

We have exactly 2 hours to be on our way and Karats needs to get her nails done.
Shes got so much to carry that I take the dress from her to lighten the load, carrying it out to the car we are parked so incredibly close to the garage that Im extra careful not to touch anything and the unexpected happens:

THE DRESS (bubble gum pink) slides off of the hanger and I then hold it still to ensure no damages are done, karats walks out: "Oh I have to move my car"

We put the dress in the car and once turned we find--the dirt from her car on the dress--Im sorry ALL OVER THE DRESS

we run to get wet towels and begin to scrub the dirt..to no avail.

Freaking out we decide, we'll have to just get there to take care of the problem, remember we're on a deadline...


Many seconds and worried curses later we realize that our parents raised us better, so we're a bit prepared--Karats tells me to open the glove compartment and see if there is atleast a tide pen to help us fight this stain..There is, I scramble for the dress and by this time we have arrived at the nailshop. Sitting waiting I ferociously dab rub and darn near scrub the dress while it lays unknowingly in my lap. Poor dress, has no idea in all its beauty that its dirty..and then I see the tide pen is rubbing that of a sour white consistency onto the fabric--and it smells like curdled milk!!!

so now not only is it dirty but it now stinks, like sour milk.
"How long have you had this?" I ask incredulously.

she shrugs, and continues to pretend that she doesnt care when shes shaking in her boots as much as I am.
I go to the cleaners next door, only to find that they are just a pick up site, and they refer me to "Prestige" Cleaners on Fond du lac ave

I take Karats car and race to the cleaners to find that they are not prestige at all, they are rude and careless, the man looks at me with absolutely no sympathy and turns me away, turns out "1 hour cleaning" is just a gimmick, they need atleast 2 and a half--losers

defeated I return and by now I see a very careful Karats emerging from the nail shop, she doesnt want to touch anything because shes already seemed to have to go back after messing up a nail. So we drive to Walgreens in hopes of a miracle..

At the checkout, some nasty old man looks me up and down and responds, "Uhm...Damn"


we leave and I feverishly rip open pens and begin to dab, by the by, the dress still smells like old frito feet.

"On the road again..."

we arrive what may seem to others early because the bridal party still hasnt showed up. After about 2 more hours of the families snubbing us because they dont know who we are, They want to start lining up, which at this point is only Karats because shes the only bridesmaid available.

The heat is sweltering underneath the tent...FINALLY the ceremony takes place,after finding out the bride was taken to the wrong place.. all you can see is a small stinky white spot on the dress but with movement its very hard to notice...Success!!

Failure! Karats invites me to a wedding and I dont have a place to sit OR any record that she was having a guest, so while everyone files in I have to sit on the side waiting for a place to be found for me. LOL that means no meal.

Thankfully I know the grooms family so they make a way for me to enter.

All in all, the night went okay, the Bride and Groom did this annoying pre pubescent "bounce" for every slow dance which made it seem like they were 2 grade schoolers at the Sadie Hawkins, because clearly the bride ran this show. LOL

And the DJ should never again tell anyone that he is from V100 because he was AWFUL.
But I'd like to note for the record that lil boys loves Karats and they ricochet off of my behind bumping into me trying to dance.

The food was not eaten and by the end of the night Karats and I were starving, but on the way home we were as peaceful as if the previous events had never taken place, we just laughed about it until we were red, like we always do and remember that only things like this happen, when we're together...LOL which is I guess what makes it so worth it.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Summertime Memories

"its been a long time, we shouldn't of left you, without a dope beat to step to..." or a fabulous blog for you all to read...  our apologies...

when i woke up this beautiful july 1st morning, i was hit by memories of the summers i spent as a child.  oh how i loved and still love the summertime... how can you not?

i remember as a child participating in the 4th of july parade, decorating my bike with streamer and balloons in hopes to win the best decorated bike award, i don't think i ever really won, but that was ok, because in the races in my age group, i always placed;-)  i loved that my cousins from chicago would come up and we'd eat ice cream and cracker jack...  my parents even had a pig roast, i mean they had the actual pig on a stick, just turning over the fire and although i don't eat pork anymore, that is still part of my fond memories of being a kid in the summertime...

i got to ride my bike all day long, we went swimming and my favorite.... camping at devil's lake, i loved packing up in my neighbor's station wagon and singing all the way the there.  and how my dad would drive all crazy on snake drive and we'd just laugh, partly out of fear and partly because it was just so exciting.  we'd throw frogs at each other, make smores over the camp fire and catch tadpoles in the lake...  and we'd also go camping with the family and my dad and my uncles would always tell the same scary story over the camp fire and even though they always told it, we'd still always be sacred and scream...  was it "scary bones or dirty bones"?... man if only i could remember....

and when we weren't at devils lake or camping with the family, we'd be in summer camp and oh how i loved summer camp and soccer camp and staying up late and most of all... NO SCHOOL!!!  i loved the sleep overs with my friends and family.

going to summerfest and standing on the picnic table listening to mint condition perform "pretty brown eyes", thinking he was talking about me and my brown eyes, ahhhhh...  oh the joys of summertime.

its different now that i'm older, but the love is still there....  summertime!  what are your favorite summertime memories?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Even Steven

My daddy taught me how to be
An even better version of he
You know that song by paul simon?
well I think he may have been lyin
Cause there will never be a daughter who
loves my father quite as much as I do
And when I look at LahLi she may not be as lucky as me
But ima teach her all that steve taught free to be
Her father loves her completely no doubt
But me and my daddy got a love you cant live without
The day before his birthday became my arrival
Learned from him the most important lesson: survival
Too soon to shout
marvin gayes inner city blues
yous a fool to think he was a betting man that’d lose
take off your shoes when you walk into the house
grab some sparkling water and have a seat on the couch
listen as he sacrificially put his life on the line
to save mine
on the corners he rhymed smoked dimes
but it seems once I was born he ran outta time
lost the fight of his life in his prime
to a little yella baby girl he once said “aint mine”
she was a lil too lite his signature he refused to forge
“wasn’t you messing with that white dude named George?”
Is she even yours? Baby you black as night!
My mother shouts: Niggah go fly a kite!
Ofcourse , she was right I indeed was his
Glo wasn’t playin she was talking square biz
He told me on the corner of fifth avenue
Hustling was easy, ways out were few
He was stereo with the boss flow
Him and my uncle hi-fi so you already know
What kinda high and trouble drunkenness they got into
Fucked up adventures old and new
Mixed reviews
Some say to this day
Girl you know Steve Morgan dont play
Shiiiiid whooped my ass every which kinda way
Made it hard to stay so when I turned 16
I was one ego strand short mentality beauty queen
That niggah couldn’t tell me nothin
Standing like im grown knowin damn well im bluffin
Bullshit aint bout nothing
I got my ass whooped, he beat me so bad
Man my neighbors were shook
And then put me out
Not a benefit of the doubt
Couldn’t find no sympathy
The niggah got too much clout!
Didn’t realize until I gave birth to Gregory
Everything that my pops truly meant to me
See I thought I was a victim of unlawful crimes
As many times as he beat mines
I felt like I was unfairly sheltered
But you know as a kid you never really pay attention to the weather
My daddy saw so much of himself in me
he made sure that I knew humility
“Too proud that girl” is what discernment would say
But somehow dad knew I was gon be ok
I never got anything that I didn’t work for
Never received it before thanking the good Lord
He used to make me do such outlandish things!
Like if I needed to express myself use a damn dictionary
And if I could find ways to enunciate and convey
My opinion across without taking all day
 my reward then I guess maybe would be
A time where I could skillfully curse him out without him beating me?
But as I got older as we all do
I finally understood all those hidden clues:
Baby girl you will lose
Baby girl be misused
But baby girl belong to me
So you got the fight within you
Ive seen already the hell
Baby girl you gon fail
And even if im standing right there when you fall
Baby girl I gotta let you yell
Baby girl its gon hurt
Baby girl you gon have to put in work
Baby girl don’t marry that niggah hes a muthafuckin jerk
Baby girl gon be poor
Baby girl you will starve
But ive filled you up with courage
So it wont be so hard
Baby girl grab all that courage and wit and skill
Ive deeply instilled
And start licking your wounds so you can begin to heal
Baby girl you got this! You too gotdamn strong!
I know that you’ll get it just try to hold on
Baby girl daaamn whats taking you so long?!
Even if you think its right I wont tell you its wrong
 Buy baby girl you gotta learn these lessons… on your own

So this heres for the fathers doing big things by themselves
No worries your children will not require much help
Go ahead full speed, you are not a dying breed
I have an amazing father, and his name is STEVE

Monday, May 23, 2011

Why didnt you stay


"I'd never dreamed you'd leave...in summer"

I thought she'd go and come back home..
She always did, she'd do something crazy, overdose, fall out, bleeding profusely, wheezing, exhaustion, I mean the works. Next I'd hear this incredibly outlandish story about how she has pulled the i.v. from her arm and swatted one of the orderlies to sign herself out...she'd be out of commission for a few days and then I'd get a call on my voicemail: "chan-pooh! come get yo auntie from the hospital."

Just as SURE as my name is Frances Morgan she was asking me to not only take her to the liquor store but to borrow her a "couple few dollars" to get her some beer and as of late--gin.

She never forgot to pay me back.

I imagine darkness to be a loud place, with emaciated mongrels attacking each molecule of your fiber and ravenous vapors tearing thru your pores. When you scream, no one hears you, they bother not to care. Ive seen the highs: head back, mouths open, eyes glazed over a temporary paradise accompanied by slurred speech and adoration like silk..isolation, then emptiness.

Laketha was quiet when she wasnt drunk or high; calming unnoticed and rather refined, a rather organized operating user. She paid her bills, never went out of the house without: "looking good smelling good and turning heads.."

"Chan-pooh make sure your shirt matches your shoes and if you have a belt make sure it matches your purse"

"Chan-pooh get you a paper bag and dont sit on that ground and mess up your clothes!"
"If you wanna sit next to me, you better learn to start eating with your mouth closed"
""Chan-pooh..you know you auntie's baby right?"

She helped me understand who I was and where I came from, accepted me for who, what, whichever size dark brown eyes, thick thighs..even uncharacterized sometimes. I can still smell the Charlie or Jovan White if I close my eyes and wish real hard..

When my own mother didnt want me, she did.

But when she got drunk and I was old enough to understand it I became embarrassed by her, wanted nothing to do with her, couldnt get far enough away from her, the woman who loved me regardless of my sin, and honestly when she spoke she left no space for bullshit to fit in.

Ugly truths were her specialty, whether or not you wanted to hear was not of her concern accompanied by every "muthafuck you's and so sues me's you could imagine.

But dont get me wrong all the times werent bad though, I found my rhythm at age six in my grandmothers kitchen because she wouldnt let it rest, so while my grandmother is fussing about all the reasons I should be asleep, I'm doing the best "whop" of my life as entertainment for my auntie and her friends.

There was a difference with her and I; it was like I was the sun in her blue sky, no one ever really questioned why, they just knew that for life that it'd be I as hers and she as mine.

She NEVER  forgot a birthday, even if we didnt always remember hers. What I wouldnt give for that last message I deleted from my voicemail because I could barely understand her words thru a drunken madness.."HAPPY BIRTH.."I'M ON THE DAMN PHONE. TONY SHUT UP!"


loud clanging of receiver, her cussing wondering if she hung up the phone, and finally--silence.

We never failed to notice that things were getting harder, the yellow eyes and swollen belly, the darkening skin and weightloss, I cant count how many times I  dropped my son, Gregory off to find cocaine tubes.. I shoved them in my pocket and threw them down the sewers each and every time.

I was always convinced that she was just a drunk.

we blindly ignored and accepted it was just who she was. we just knew that she was gonna live forever, her self proclaimed fear of death exclamation: " I'm gon live to be two hundred and sixty five!"
we believed her.

Sunday, May 17, 2009 changed my life forever.
I got a call from Laketha's son, Nakia, my cousin brother impatiently demanding that I come to clean our grandmother because Auntie, his mother had passed out and the ambulance was taking her away, may stories to follow, "she had been hit or that she was sick, the last time someone saw her was when they left her on the porch.."

I came begrudgingly to find a grandmother soaked in urine in bed weeping that she had been forgotten about, so after cleaning her up completely and calming her down and changing her sheets, I managed to calm Nakia down and convince the cops not to take him away based on his attitude alone.

There was a silent calm that hung in the house, because we just knew that they would wake her up, and then she'd be calling to come home within the next few days...

not so.

Everything else following these event are a bit hazy because all I remember most is sitting in my grandmothers house, my cousin telling me to go to the hospital, I myself thinking I can handle it and seeing her hooked up to almost anything they can connect her to, while the nurses are looking at me like something heavy's about to drop.

Im shaking, I'm screaming but I refuse to cry because I KNOW this is not for real, because if it is I have to come to terms, terms I'd never signed a contract for, terms that said in bright bold print: ACCEPT THIS! SHE IS NOT A SUPER HERO! SHE IS HUMAN!

so picture this: youre staring at a woman who made you the person you are you have to lie and tell the doctors that youre her daughter because youre family is unable to be right there by your side, for christ's sake can someone wipe this blood off of her face? WHY are you people looking at me like this? where is the doctor? I need to call my family members? WHAT is wrong with her? Someone please give me some answers...this is not a drill!!!!

They seat you and your sister and fathers girlfriend in a room--to wait.

and wait.

and wait.

"She's going to die." doctor looks me square in the eyes. "too much blood has pooled outside of her brain, and she's had a stroke, if we operate she will be mentally unable and honestly theres not much left to do other than say your good byes.."

"We see that she has high blood pressure and we've found cocaine in her system.."

nieces seated at the edge of her bed crying..and all i feel is anger!
"How dare you auntie, GOTDAMN YOU AUNTIE!"

not more than 6 months before; she told me to make sure that she wears yellow and that when she dies she dont want nobody crying, she want us to have a damn ball!

that night i went home in so much shock that i felt 6 again, i couldnt shake that thought of her lying there on life support so I slept with all the lights on.

swollen skull, high blood pressure, cocaine and alcohol levels skyrocketed, stroke, cirrhosis..

braindead. 52 years old.

the days to follow were much too disturbing and unfair to comprehend. searching for a final outfit, not being able to get to the funeral home to do her hair, paint her nails, viewing a body wrapped in what looked to be a garbage bag... praying at my grandmothers bedside while she chants: "Laketha done gone off to glory.."

rocking back and forth adding her third lost daughter to this story.

"please put her hair in shirley temple curls..she always wore it that way.."

not that day, not that way, not this woman. final day of life, son is pleading thru tears, "just wake the fuck up mama..."

organs too bad for anyone to put to use.

my last memory of kissing her warm cheek and whispering, "I love you my auntie..."

my mother asking me thru accepted tears and a smile, "when did YOU get so strong?"

V100 plays, K-jons, "cause out there on the ocean, ive been waiting too long for this moment, my ship has finally come.."

I remember Frankie Beverly and Mazes':

"Before I let you---goooo-ooooo-o-ooooo-o i would neva neva neva neva let you go before i know.."

May 19, 2009 12:20pm

Laketha Annette Morgan-

mother daughter sister friend auntie cousin to the very end
cherished and adored human being.


Rest In Peace.

Monday, May 16, 2011

getting over the hump or my case the "fear"

as i sit here another day at the office, i think to myself, "i'm sick of just another day at the office"...
i want more than just "another day at the office"... tired of the staleness and complacency of a job, ready for a new adventure, somewhere down career avenue...

but how do i rock the boat and step out of the box, when i'm constantly bombarded by this tiny but ridiculously huge blockade called FEAR?  how do i get it out of my head, and out of my life?...  i dream big, but live small and i'm not speaking monetarily... YES an increase in finances would be wonderfully accepted, but an INCREASE in happiness at the workplace would be a million times better...

so why instead of applying for that job that may be challenging but definitely worth it, why do i shy away and "accidentally" but "on purpose" forget to submit my resume on time?  why do i continue to complain but remain stagnant?  how do i overcome this fear? 

you ask:  "what is this fear of?"...  it must be of success, of accomplishment, or reaching my full potential...  of challenging myself in a new work environment and loving it!...  so how can i continue to come to work each day, feeling as if i get dumber by the minute?... having to open a book, just to make sure i can still read, lol, pathetic but true...  do i really want to do this for the rest of my life? 

i write this for advice, for some assistance and help!...  maybe a description on how you overcame this fear...  any and all advice welcome... so please anyone and everyone who can offer a word of encouragement or just a thought... it would be welcomed and appreciated ;-)

i thank you in advance....

Friday, May 6, 2011

To Love and You....

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love....

you have always been love to me, you encompass love, breathe love, define love...

you showed me that love is ALWAYS there, that loves prevails.... love is a constant-- THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!

love:  it never abandons us, we abandon it,  you can see the spirit of love move throughout the body.  its in your eyes, your dimples in your cheeks.  the extra squeeze when we embrace, the powerful, succombing forehead kiss.  love is a force of nature, wild and free; calm and peaceful; beautiful and destructive.

love is experienced beyond the mind, beyond the body and seen in the soul.  family is love, strong in foundation, powerful in numbers.  love is the crutch needed to make it past the final hurdle, love motivates youto lose those last 10 pounds.

love:  it never abandons us, we abandon it.

love is a drug, if abused it can be destructive, but if sowed in trust and faith, it can blossom to the most beautiful and fragrant flower in your garden.

you are my love.  i feel it in your words, your hugs, your kisses.  i feel it when you're rubbing my shoulders, washing my hair, lying in your arms.  when we're fighting for the covers and when you're suffocating me with your farts--- yes even then!

yes, i've abused your love, broken your love, betrayed your love, BUT your love has always been there, enduring, strong and unconditional.

now i guard your love, its sacred to me, no longer hurting your love, abusing your love, betraying your love, but cherishing your love.... loving you too unconditionally.  trusting our love, embracing our love.  the love of a dear  and true friend, my best friend, my closest friend, the love of a father, a lover, maybe one day more, may be not-- God's hands....

loving faith, loving God, loving you, loving me....

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love

to learn from love, to heal with love.  to let others know the delicacy of love.  how our love will be forever more.  to truly say i love, i love, i love... loving

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love

please my love, don't say its too late for love, love is here in my heart, in your heart.  in your dimples when you smile, in the slant of our eyes, in the sounds of our laughter, our anger, our passion, in the beautiful music of our lives, bodies, souls converging together.

living in the ups and downs of love, the smiles, the frowns, the tears of joy, the ones of sorrow, all with love... with God's love, the spirit's love.

with love, with love, with love....

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love...