Thursday, May 26, 2011

Even Steven

My daddy taught me how to be
An even better version of he
You know that song by paul simon?
well I think he may have been lyin
Cause there will never be a daughter who
loves my father quite as much as I do
And when I look at LahLi she may not be as lucky as me
But ima teach her all that steve taught free to be
Her father loves her completely no doubt
But me and my daddy got a love you cant live without
The day before his birthday became my arrival
Learned from him the most important lesson: survival
Too soon to shout
marvin gayes inner city blues
yous a fool to think he was a betting man that’d lose
take off your shoes when you walk into the house
grab some sparkling water and have a seat on the couch
listen as he sacrificially put his life on the line
to save mine
on the corners he rhymed smoked dimes
but it seems once I was born he ran outta time
lost the fight of his life in his prime
to a little yella baby girl he once said “aint mine”
she was a lil too lite his signature he refused to forge
“wasn’t you messing with that white dude named George?”
Is she even yours? Baby you black as night!
My mother shouts: Niggah go fly a kite!
Ofcourse , she was right I indeed was his
Glo wasn’t playin she was talking square biz
He told me on the corner of fifth avenue
Hustling was easy, ways out were few
He was stereo with the boss flow
Him and my uncle hi-fi so you already know
What kinda high and trouble drunkenness they got into
Fucked up adventures old and new
Mixed reviews
Some say to this day
Girl you know Steve Morgan dont play
Shiiiiid whooped my ass every which kinda way
Made it hard to stay so when I turned 16
I was one ego strand short mentality beauty queen
That niggah couldn’t tell me nothin
Standing like im grown knowin damn well im bluffin
Bullshit aint bout nothing
I got my ass whooped, he beat me so bad
Man my neighbors were shook
And then put me out
Not a benefit of the doubt
Couldn’t find no sympathy
The niggah got too much clout!
Didn’t realize until I gave birth to Gregory
Everything that my pops truly meant to me
See I thought I was a victim of unlawful crimes
As many times as he beat mines
I felt like I was unfairly sheltered
But you know as a kid you never really pay attention to the weather
My daddy saw so much of himself in me
he made sure that I knew humility
“Too proud that girl” is what discernment would say
But somehow dad knew I was gon be ok
I never got anything that I didn’t work for
Never received it before thanking the good Lord
He used to make me do such outlandish things!
Like if I needed to express myself use a damn dictionary
And if I could find ways to enunciate and convey
My opinion across without taking all day
 my reward then I guess maybe would be
A time where I could skillfully curse him out without him beating me?
But as I got older as we all do
I finally understood all those hidden clues:
Baby girl you will lose
Baby girl be misused
But baby girl belong to me
So you got the fight within you
Ive seen already the hell
Baby girl you gon fail
And even if im standing right there when you fall
Baby girl I gotta let you yell
Baby girl its gon hurt
Baby girl you gon have to put in work
Baby girl don’t marry that niggah hes a muthafuckin jerk
Baby girl gon be poor
Baby girl you will starve
But ive filled you up with courage
So it wont be so hard
Baby girl grab all that courage and wit and skill
Ive deeply instilled
And start licking your wounds so you can begin to heal
Baby girl you got this! You too gotdamn strong!
I know that you’ll get it just try to hold on
Baby girl daaamn whats taking you so long?!
Even if you think its right I wont tell you its wrong
 Buy baby girl you gotta learn these lessons… on your own

So this heres for the fathers doing big things by themselves
No worries your children will not require much help
Go ahead full speed, you are not a dying breed
I have an amazing father, and his name is STEVE



Monday, May 23, 2011

Why didnt you stay

http://youtu.be/cxPtkwhsaOI




"I'd never dreamed you'd leave...in summer"

I thought she'd go and come back home..
She always did, she'd do something crazy, overdose, fall out, bleeding profusely, wheezing, exhaustion, I mean the works. Next I'd hear this incredibly outlandish story about how she has pulled the i.v. from her arm and swatted one of the orderlies to sign herself out...she'd be out of commission for a few days and then I'd get a call on my voicemail: "chan-pooh! come get yo auntie from the hospital."

Just as SURE as my name is Frances Morgan she was asking me to not only take her to the liquor store but to borrow her a "couple few dollars" to get her some beer and as of late--gin.

She never forgot to pay me back.

I imagine darkness to be a loud place, with emaciated mongrels attacking each molecule of your fiber and ravenous vapors tearing thru your pores. When you scream, no one hears you, they bother not to care. Ive seen the highs: head back, mouths open, eyes glazed over a temporary paradise accompanied by slurred speech and adoration like silk..isolation, then emptiness.

Laketha was quiet when she wasnt drunk or high; calming unnoticed and rather refined, a rather organized operating user. She paid her bills, never went out of the house without: "looking good smelling good and turning heads.."

"Chan-pooh make sure your shirt matches your shoes and if you have a belt make sure it matches your purse"

"Chan-pooh get you a paper bag and dont sit on that ground and mess up your clothes!"
"If you wanna sit next to me, you better learn to start eating with your mouth closed"
""Chan-pooh..you know you auntie's baby right?"

She helped me understand who I was and where I came from, accepted me for who, what, whichever size dark brown eyes, thick thighs..even uncharacterized sometimes. I can still smell the Charlie or Jovan White if I close my eyes and wish real hard..

When my own mother didnt want me, she did.

But when she got drunk and I was old enough to understand it I became embarrassed by her, wanted nothing to do with her, couldnt get far enough away from her, the woman who loved me regardless of my sin, and honestly when she spoke she left no space for bullshit to fit in.

Ugly truths were her specialty, whether or not you wanted to hear was not of her concern accompanied by every "muthafuck you's and so sues me's you could imagine.

But dont get me wrong all the times werent bad though, I found my rhythm at age six in my grandmothers kitchen because she wouldnt let it rest, so while my grandmother is fussing about all the reasons I should be asleep, I'm doing the best "whop" of my life as entertainment for my auntie and her friends.

There was a difference with her and I; it was like I was the sun in her blue sky, no one ever really questioned why, they just knew that for life that it'd be I as hers and she as mine.

She NEVER  forgot a birthday, even if we didnt always remember hers. What I wouldnt give for that last message I deleted from my voicemail because I could barely understand her words thru a drunken madness.."HAPPY BIRTH.."I'M ON THE DAMN PHONE. TONY SHUT UP!"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY CHAWN-POOH, AUNTIE LUD DAT BAAA-BB-Y!"

loud clanging of receiver, her cussing wondering if she hung up the phone, and finally--silence.

We never failed to notice that things were getting harder, the yellow eyes and swollen belly, the darkening skin and weightloss, I cant count how many times I  dropped my son, Gregory off to find cocaine tubes.. I shoved them in my pocket and threw them down the sewers each and every time.

I was always convinced that she was just a drunk.

we blindly ignored and accepted it was just who she was. we just knew that she was gonna live forever, her self proclaimed fear of death exclamation: " I'm gon live to be two hundred and sixty five!"
we believed her.

Sunday, May 17, 2009 changed my life forever.
I got a call from Laketha's son, Nakia, my cousin brother impatiently demanding that I come to clean our grandmother because Auntie, his mother had passed out and the ambulance was taking her away, may stories to follow, "she had been hit or that she was sick, the last time someone saw her was when they left her on the porch.."

I came begrudgingly to find a grandmother soaked in urine in bed weeping that she had been forgotten about, so after cleaning her up completely and calming her down and changing her sheets, I managed to calm Nakia down and convince the cops not to take him away based on his attitude alone.

There was a silent calm that hung in the house, because we just knew that they would wake her up, and then she'd be calling to come home within the next few days...

not so.

Everything else following these event are a bit hazy because all I remember most is sitting in my grandmothers house, my cousin telling me to go to the hospital, I myself thinking I can handle it and seeing her hooked up to almost anything they can connect her to, while the nurses are looking at me like something heavy's about to drop.

Im shaking, I'm screaming but I refuse to cry because I KNOW this is not for real, because if it is I have to come to terms, terms I'd never signed a contract for, terms that said in bright bold print: ACCEPT THIS! SHE IS NOT A SUPER HERO! SHE IS HUMAN!

so picture this: youre staring at a woman who made you the person you are you have to lie and tell the doctors that youre her daughter because youre family is unable to be right there by your side, for christ's sake can someone wipe this blood off of her face? WHY are you people looking at me like this? where is the doctor? I need to call my family members? WHAT is wrong with her? Someone please give me some answers...this is not a drill!!!!

They seat you and your sister and fathers girlfriend in a room--to wait.

and wait.

and wait.

"She's going to die." doctor looks me square in the eyes. "too much blood has pooled outside of her brain, and she's had a stroke, if we operate she will be mentally unable and honestly theres not much left to do other than say your good byes.."

"We see that she has high blood pressure and we've found cocaine in her system.."

nieces seated at the edge of her bed crying..and all i feel is anger!
"How dare you auntie, GOTDAMN YOU AUNTIE!"

not more than 6 months before; she told me to make sure that she wears yellow and that when she dies she dont want nobody crying, she want us to have a damn ball!

that night i went home in so much shock that i felt 6 again, i couldnt shake that thought of her lying there on life support so I slept with all the lights on.

swollen skull, high blood pressure, cocaine and alcohol levels skyrocketed, stroke, cirrhosis..


braindead. 52 years old.

the days to follow were much too disturbing and unfair to comprehend. searching for a final outfit, not being able to get to the funeral home to do her hair, paint her nails, viewing a body wrapped in what looked to be a garbage bag... praying at my grandmothers bedside while she chants: "Laketha done gone off to glory.."

rocking back and forth adding her third lost daughter to this story.

"please put her hair in shirley temple curls..she always wore it that way.."

not that day, not that way, not this woman. final day of life, son is pleading thru tears, "just wake the fuck up mama..."

organs too bad for anyone to put to use.

my last memory of kissing her warm cheek and whispering, "I love you my auntie..."

my mother asking me thru accepted tears and a smile, "when did YOU get so strong?"

V100 plays, K-jons, "cause out there on the ocean, ive been waiting too long for this moment, my ship has finally come.."

I remember Frankie Beverly and Mazes':

"Before I let you---goooo-ooooo-o-ooooo-o i would neva neva neva neva let you go before i know.."



May 19, 2009 12:20pm

Laketha Annette Morgan-

mother daughter sister friend auntie cousin to the very end
cherished and adored human being.




addict.


Rest In Peace.




Monday, May 16, 2011

getting over the hump or my case the "fear"

as i sit here another day at the office, i think to myself, "i'm sick of just another day at the office"...
i want more than just "another day at the office"... tired of the staleness and complacency of a job, ready for a new adventure, somewhere down career avenue...

but how do i rock the boat and step out of the box, when i'm constantly bombarded by this tiny but ridiculously huge blockade called FEAR?  how do i get it out of my head, and out of my life?...  i dream big, but live small and i'm not speaking monetarily... YES an increase in finances would be wonderfully accepted, but an INCREASE in happiness at the workplace would be a million times better...

so why instead of applying for that job that may be challenging but definitely worth it, why do i shy away and "accidentally" but "on purpose" forget to submit my resume on time?  why do i continue to complain but remain stagnant?  how do i overcome this fear? 

you ask:  "what is this fear of?"...  it must be of success, of accomplishment, or reaching my full potential...  of challenging myself in a new work environment and loving it!...  so how can i continue to come to work each day, feeling as if i get dumber by the minute?... having to open a book, just to make sure i can still read, lol, pathetic but true...  do i really want to do this for the rest of my life? 

i write this for advice, for some assistance and help!...  maybe a description on how you overcame this fear...  any and all advice welcome... so please anyone and everyone who can offer a word of encouragement or just a thought... it would be welcomed and appreciated ;-)

i thank you in advance....

Friday, May 6, 2011

To Love and You....

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love....

you have always been love to me, you encompass love, breathe love, define love...

you showed me that love is ALWAYS there, that loves prevails.... love is a constant-- THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!

love:  it never abandons us, we abandon it,  you can see the spirit of love move throughout the body.  its in your eyes, your dimples in your cheeks.  the extra squeeze when we embrace, the powerful, succombing forehead kiss.  love is a force of nature, wild and free; calm and peaceful; beautiful and destructive.

love is experienced beyond the mind, beyond the body and seen in the soul.  family is love, strong in foundation, powerful in numbers.  love is the crutch needed to make it past the final hurdle, love motivates youto lose those last 10 pounds.

love:  it never abandons us, we abandon it.

love is a drug, if abused it can be destructive, but if sowed in trust and faith, it can blossom to the most beautiful and fragrant flower in your garden.

you are my love.  i feel it in your words, your hugs, your kisses.  i feel it when you're rubbing my shoulders, washing my hair, lying in your arms.  when we're fighting for the covers and when you're suffocating me with your farts--- yes even then!

yes, i've abused your love, broken your love, betrayed your love, BUT your love has always been there, enduring, strong and unconditional.

now i guard your love, its sacred to me, no longer hurting your love, abusing your love, betraying your love, but cherishing your love.... loving you too unconditionally.  trusting our love, embracing our love.  the love of a dear  and true friend, my best friend, my closest friend, the love of a father, a lover, maybe one day more, may be not-- God's hands....

loving faith, loving God, loving you, loving me....

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love

to learn from love, to heal with love.  to let others know the delicacy of love.  how our love will be forever more.  to truly say i love, i love, i love... loving

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love

please my love, don't say its too late for love, love is here in my heart, in your heart.  in your dimples when you smile, in the slant of our eyes, in the sounds of our laughter, our anger, our passion, in the beautiful music of our lives, bodies, souls converging together.

living in the ups and downs of love, the smiles, the frowns, the tears of joy, the ones of sorrow, all with love... with God's love, the spirit's love.

with love, with love, with love....

i want to be inspired by love, inspired to spread love...

Sunday, May 1, 2011

what do you mean to the world?

you toothless philosophy preaching pedal pushing
loudest base voice having followed by a mist of saliva spitting
pimp slapping
leather and snakeskin wearing...
FOOL

only Louise says it best

you thief
you womanizer
you...abuser
you user.

you stealing cheating conniving  no mercy having
throat slashing gun firing
ingrate
you flashy on the corner of fifth avenue hustlin gangster

you poser
you coward
you....outcast

YOU TAKER

you....

traveled thru a world where you knew not too many people had much sympathy for you and still found a way to turn the hatred into laughter.

you...

made your way amongst the most respected and feared men who ran streets and became a towering 5 foot 6 leader amongst even the most dangerous

you...

loving bullying son of a gun
you paul revere riding rejoicing each and every battle once won
you big brothering bothering
truth telling
soldier of streets

you sardonic comic
you optimist
how dare

you

love so hard and bring so much joy into our hearts
what gall have you to end a fight with laughter before it starts?
how can you live in so much darkness and only see light?
help me understand how you talk your way out of a fight?

who are you to say that we need to be better and learn from your mistakes?
what do you know?
just because you were on both ends of the high and low what gives you the right to tell us to stay away from dark alleys and gangways?

so what you dwelled lavishly within money, prostitutes and drugs

just because you took care of our fathers and uncles and aunties as well as your own does it make you an expert?

i cant believe YOU

you wonderful beautiful uncle cousin brother saviour comedian
you right on time
always

you breath of fresh air
you mourner
you lover
you tragedy....

YOU belong to us
and we wouldnt trade YOU
for the world



love you Billy

http://youtu.be/Usl-h5f-8W0